My shame and Sorrow – Mahatma Gandhi

[Prof. Dr. Yogendra Yadav]

Prof. Dr. Yogendra Yadav

Senior Gandhian Scholar, Professor, Editor and Linguist

Gandhi International Study and Research Institute, Jalgaon, Maharashtra, India

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My shame and Sorrow – Mahatma Gandhi

 

I have been greatly exercised in my mind as to whether or not to write on this topic. But after fullest consideration I have come to the conclusion that not to write would constitute a grave dereliction of duty. Many friends look upon the Satyagraha Ashram, the present Udyoga Mandir, as a sacred institution and send donations on the death of dear ones in respect of its manifold activities which I have thankfully accepted. Recently some lapses of a serious character have been brought to light on the part of some members of this institution. I have freely spoken about them to the inmates of the Mandir at prayer times. But I do not consider this publicity sufficient. My relations with the readers of Navajivan are not commercial, but have a strictly moral base. They are naturally founded on the assumed purity of me and the institution. I have time and again written on the sin of secrecy. Personally I have no secrets. It is, therefore, necessary for me to take the reader into my confidence.

If he has assumed me and the institution to be pure it is but meets that he should know our impurity also. Chhaganlal Gandhi, elder brother of the late Maganlal Gandhi, is a cousin of mine. He has been like a son to me and was brought up by me under my care from his youth. He has been discovered to be engaged in a series of petty larcenies over a number of years. I should not have felt the aberration so much if the repentance had been voluntary, but as it was the thing was detected quite accidentally and brought to light by a namesake, the vigilant Secretary of the Mandir. Indeed Chhaganlal Gandhi even made an unsuccessful attempt to conceal the guilt. He is now apparently consumed with remorse and is shedding bitter tears. He has, further, of his own accord left the Mandir, but I have hopes that he will one day return to the Mandir completely purified and the Mandir will then welcome him back to its fold with open arms. His larcenies seem to have been of a very trivial character involving very inconsiderable sums of money on the whole. I am inclined to treat the lapse in the nature of a disease so far as one can see these thefts have not meant any pecuniary loss to the Mandir. Chhaganlal Gandhi had laid up an amount of about ten thousand from his savings. I do not wish here to enter into the history of these savings. This amount he made over to the Mandir only a few months ago at my suggestion not from any impulse of generosity but from a sense of the duty pointed out. Private possession of wealth being inconsistent with principles of the Mandir, this ownership of not an inconsiderable sum of money jarred on me and intimated to him accordingly. After holding consultations with his wife and two sons, none of whom desired its use for their sakes, Chhaganlal made it over unconditionally to the Udyoga Mandir.

So far as I am aware Chhaganlal at present owns no property whatever accepts his share in the ancestral property. When I think of Chhaganlal Gandhi’s record of thirty years of service and his artlessness and simplicity on the one hand and these lapses on the other, I am perplexed and take refuge in the reflection that the working of the Law of Karma is inscrutable. This is but one chapter of the story of my shame and sorrow now for the second chapter. I have lavished unstinted praise on Kasturbai (Mrs. Gandhi) in my Autobiography. She has stood by me in the changes of my life. I believe hers to have been an immaculate life. It is true that her renunciation has not been based on an intelligent appreciation of the fundamentals of life, but from a blind wifely devotion. At any rate she has never hindered me in my progress towards my ideals. By her exemplary care and nursing during my illness she has easily commanded a patient’s gratitude. I have spared her no ordeals. She has been a tower of strength to me in my self-imposed vow of brahmacharya. But the white surface of these virtues is not without the glaringly dark spots. Although impelled by her sense of wifely devotion she has renounced so far as the world knows earthly possessions, longing for them has persisted. As a result, about a year or so ago she had laid up a sum of about a couple of hundred rupees for her own use out of the small sums presented to her by various people on different occasions.

The rule of the Mandir, however, is that even such personal presents may not be kept for private use. Her action, therefore, amounted to theft. Fortunately for her and the Mandir, thieves broke into her room about two years ago. This incident resulted in the discovery of the forgoing misappropriation. For a moment her remorse appeared to be genuine. Events have proved, however, that it was only momentary. Evidently it did not root out the desire for possession. Recently some unknown visitors to the Mandir brought her a sum of four rupees. Instead of handing over this sum, according to the Mandir rules, to the Secretary she kept it with her. A tried inmate of the Mandir was present when the donation was made. It was his obvious duty to put Kasturbai on her guard; but impelled by a false sense of courtesy he remained instead a helpless witness of the wrong. After Chhaganlal’s episode the members of the Udyoga Mandir became suddenly vigilant. The witness of Kasturba’s lapse informed Chhaganlal Joshi about it. Joshi courageously, though in fear and trembling, went to Kasturbai and demanded the money.

Kasturbai felt the humiliation and quickly returned four rupees and promised never to repeat the offence. I believe her remorse to be genuine. She has agreed to withdraw herself from the institution should any other previous aberration be discovered against her or in case she should lapse into such conduct again. Her penitence has been accepted by Udyoga Mandir and him well remain there just as before and accompany me in my tours now for the third chapter. Three years ago a widow was living in the Ashram. All believed her to be pure. About the same time a young man brought up in an orphanage too was living in the Ashram. His conduct appeared to be correct. He was at that time unmarried. He seduced the widow. This is comparatively old history now. But the lapse was discovered only recently. That such immorality should have occurred in the institution that imposes brahmacharya on its inmates is a serious tragedy. Alas for the Mandir! If those who have believed in me and the Mandir desert us after these revelations it will serve two purposes at a stroke. Both they and I will be extricated from the false position and I would welcome the relief and the lightening of my burden it will bring me.

If all good men in the Mandir left it in disgust the problem would again be readily solved. Equally handy would the solution be if all bad men left the Mandir. Lastly, if I could bring myself to flee from the Mandir that too would be a solution. But life’s riddles are not solved quite so easily. None of these things will happen. Nature’s processes work mysteriously. I hold the manifestation of the corruption in the Mandir to be merely the reflection of the wrong in myself. Nothing has been further from my thoughts in writing the above lines than to arrogate to myself superior virtue. On the contrary, I sincerely believe that the impurity of my associates is but his manifestation of the hidden wrong within me. I have never claimed perfection for myself. Who knows my aberrations in the realm of thought have reacted on the environment round me. The epithet of “Mahatma” has always galled me and now it almost sounds to me like a term of abuse. But what am I to do? Should I flee or commit suicide or embark on an endless fast or immure myself alive in the Mandir or refuse to handle public finance or public duty? I can do none of these things mechanically. I must wait for the voice within. I am an incorrigible optimist. I have the hope of attaining swaraj even through the purification of the Mandir. But I must first try, discovering and removing my own shortcomings. Therefore in spite of the full knowledge of the grave short it comings and failures of the Udyoga Mandir, I still live on the hope that will one day justify its existence and reconvert itself into the Satyagraha Ashram.

It seems to me therefore that for the present I must go on with it, even though I have to proclaim its shortcomings to the world again and again. An activity commenced in God’s name may be given up only at His bidding. And when He wishes this activity of mine to be brought to a close He will surely prompt society to hound me out of its pale and I hug to myself the hope that even in that dread hour of retribution I shall still have power to declare my faith in Him. Let me once more reiterate my opinion about the Mandir. Imperfect as it always has been, full of corruption as it has been discovered to be, this institution is my best creation. I hope to see God through its aid. I wish to be judged by the measure of its soundness. Revelations put me on my guard; they make me search within; they humble me. But they do not shake my faith in it. This may be a gross delusion on my part. If so I can say with the immortal Tulsidas that even as one who sees silver in the mother of pearl or water in mirage till his ignorance is dispelled so will my delusion be a reality to me till the eyes of my understanding are opened.

Reference:

The Bombay Chronicle, 8-4-1929